THIER WEDDING-OUR MARRIAGE-TSWANA STYLE

Most girls grow up dreaming of their weddings, from what dress they are likely to wear down to the decor.  When it comes to me all I've always known is I want it to take place in a hotel, but trust my family to be against the idea. My Mother’s Backyard aka our homestead is what they all prefer. 

Fast forward to April this year, I was back home for my usual yearly visit . This time round it was a tad extra special, My brother was getting married and you can guess where it was happening, our home; MOSHUPA.  This is where I was raised; it’s a large village in the southern District of Botswana.  This beautiful village is characterized by unique and prodigious mountain outcrops, which often leave visitors in wonder. These giant rocks are so balanced on top of each other, they don't fall, . So trust me when I say it was a proper Tswana wedding.

As they prepared for this wedding I tried to put my input, continuing with lets just have one wedding celebration campaign but that fell on deaf ears. NO way !!!. they wanted to do the full/ complete old customary traditions. In Most African cultures there is a traditional aspect involved in the wedding process, Botswana is no exception.

 After the negotiations between the 2 families,, there is a Civil Ceremony whereby there is a registration  with a government office responsible for public  placements/announcements of the impending matrimonial; commonly  3 consecutive weeks of publishing banns. This is so that if the groom had promised someone else marriage this intentions will be terminated  due to the fact that Botswana men are only allowed to marry one woman. This is meant to be just a small session but some Batswana had turned it into another celebration.

As the Publising of the Bans comes to an end , the traditional wedding now can take place i.e Patlo (formally seeking a woman's hand in marriage and the paying of Lobola). 'Go laya' which is some form of ritual advice/ counselling given to the couple by married woman and men only) Very close-mouthed.! I can't wait to find out what they talk about and I won't leave you out,lol). These are essential aspects of the Tswana wedding process of which failure to follow through would make the traditional marriage invalid.

Eight (8)cows are the standard number for lobola in my Village, conjointly most Villages in the Southern part of the country; but that's just the minimum, sometimes the groom's parents decide to give more. If the men had impregnanted the girl before marriage, then there is an extra charge ; normally it's an extra cow, (kgomo ya tshenyo). These cows do not belong to the mother and father of the bride only,as you might be thinking. They share  them between the girl's  aunties and uncles who are believed to have helped in bringing you up.

On the day of Patlo (traditional wedding), the married men both young and elderly on the groom's side gather early in the morning around 6 am. The men from the groom's side will then give the groom some marriage counselling/advices in front of the in-laws( other married men from the bride's side). After this session, all these men are served with tea and bread ( homemade by helpers who had volunteered to cook and serve) after which they then take the cows for lobola to the bride's place. only married men lead these cattle. Few woman will accompany the men just so they can ululate when they arrive at the bride's place, they don't give lobola quitetly tacitly, no way! the whole village should know. The woman on the woman side will join ululating as a sign of welcome. Once they have done their job of ululating the woman from the groom's side then go back to the groom's where they join up with other married woman dressed for the occasion. All wrapped in the traditional clothing ( heavy blankets to cover their shoulders)/ and scarves on their heads...even in the heat. Only these days they are now coming up with a white light material to make these blankets. Thank God. They then  follow the men to the bride's place, they form one long queue which is lead by the groom's auntie singing and dancing they arrive at the bride's to join with other married woman on the brides side where these women together seat on mats ( traditional/leather mats) not chairs but on the floor. Just like what the men did, women on the bride's side will then give marriage advices/ counselling to their daughter in the presence of the in-laws.

Once they are done, they have their tea and they take these cows to the traditional court ( Kgotla) where they show them to the chief and the leaders of the village, to proof there has been full payment. The chief then give the newly weds marriage advices.
From the traditional court they all go to registration office, and like the chief the marriage magistrate (molaudi) also give counselling/ advice. After which they all go to the bride's place for lunch and drinks. Once they have eaten and drank, the men and woman from the groom's place will go back to the groom's place where they also have food prepared and ready for them to eat. Yes, again.



Having witnessed this closely recently, I was really touched to see a huge number of these elderly men and woman coming together in oneness of heart. Seeing the extend of the seriousness of which this whole thing is being handled, I don't understand how Divorce still take place. Err,,thats me just saying right there.



  

As came in dancing.......................

these cattle were about to be slaughtered / the beef we had,one cow missing at it ran for its life.(for the 3rd celebration).

 Moving on, Food food food, You need so much food, We are a beef producing country so we don't buy beef, goat meet, we slaughter and eat. So there is so much work to do, people volunteer to come help with the cooking and serving.

Part two of the Celebration is the white wedding celebration that happens at the bride's  home. Followed by the same celebration at the groom 's place the following weekend. If its in the same Village/Town, some people do the celebration the following day.  Even though we say its a white wedding celebration, traditional, you wear the white wedding for the first part then you change into different clothes that all these aunties and uncles have bought for you. They all want to see you wearing these clothes. I remember at my brother's wedding a friend of mine said...I have lost count of how many times have they changed. To be honest I don't know myself, I think they only changed 5 times. I might need to ask them.

May I just say if you are having these kind of wedding in your homes, there is just no point making invitation card, the whole community will just turns up. Some just follow the sound of ululation. So you better have enough food. They turn up in big numbers and in my tradition they say its a sign of honour. In other words they are doing you a favour by coming to your wedding.Hello ??

So contrary to what I hear people say these ( don't throw away food, kids are starving in Africa).. In my family whenever we had  celebration of any sort/ my grandfather had always taught us. "No one leaves my house without beeing fed. He would say, I would rather food remains and get spoiled than insufficiency."

My point here is Traditional weddings are excessively costly, peculiarly  if you do them the very old way of having three different celebrations. I know people now are so influenced by western culture so it was great see the real tradition in this age.I LOVE my culture but I  think a lot of things really needs to be revisited. It doesn't have to be unnecessarily expensive.

I am convinced there is a lot you can add up or even oppose some things. We  have different tribes and so do things distinctively, and even within the same tribes some families have adjusted/adapted some things, hence these altered practices. This was all about what I observed closely at my brother's wedding.

I STILL STAND FOR CULTURE THOUGH..........

MY OWN Special Valentine

Valentine? No, my sister's name was Valentinah, Born on the 14th February, she was blessed to see her 24th Birthday, and death suddenly took her from us. Till this very day I still have unanswered questions. On the day left home she said; "I am going to South Africa and I will be back tomorrow". As a written rule of our house, whenever you travelled you were always meant to let our parents know you arrived safely, so she arrived she called to say she had  arrived safely. Later on during the day, the phone rang,  my brother picked up the phone but disconnected the call as the line wasn't clear , after which he said to our "though I couldn't quite  hear whomever was on the phone, it certainly sounded like Valentinah". We then heard that the same person called my  grandparents house line and my uncle hang up the phone as he also  couldn't hear this person, uncle also said this person sounded like Valentinah. The next phone call was from the hospital, by the time my whole family got to SA, she ( my little sister Valentinah } had passed on. Our whole world was shuttered, we all thought. Someone like her, one very lively person. It was exceedingly traumatic to all of us. My mother didn't really see where Valentinah was laid to rest, she cried like a child, everyday, she could not even open her eyes. Who would blame her? I stood strong for my family, I did not shed a tear, especially as  some aunties said to me; "don't let your mother see you cry, as you seem to have been her strength".
When Valentinah's body arrived from SA, I went with the parents to go identify her body. Seeing  those wounds on her chest ripped my heart apart, but still had to remain strong for everybody else.
For me it had not been an easy journey, it has been 13 years but it still feels like yesterday. I think of her all the time, preeminently this moth of her birth.Years later I have caught myself crying. Sometimes  I wish I could forget her completely. But she was part of our lives. Never to be forgotten. One question that never left me; WHAT DID SHE WANT TO TELL US WHEN SHE CALLED. NONE CAN TELL. For years I kept thinking I should have been home when she phoned because I would have been patient enough to hear what she wanted to say! ....

So this year Solloh and I decided to go out for dinner, take some moment to remember her and appreciate those years  we spent with her. As we talked and laughed sharing those Fascinating memories, I found myself going on and on, and Solloh and I were laughing and crying at the same time so I realised we actually needed that time. I was going to share Valentinah's pictures here, but as went through them I realised how unprepared I was. So I decided to share pictures of my little sister Solloh and I that night.

From as long as I remember growing up, Valentinah was always a standout amongst us her siblings, she was very special. Growing up together as girls, meant we were always fighting. Main fights was between my big sister and Valentinah.  I remember during one of the fights Valentinah fell and felt defeated so she shouted; "please stop beating me, I think I have fainted, I have collapsed, stop". Haha, made me chuckle. But then in another fight ( still between the two), she ran away from my big sister, so my big sister took a high heeled shoe and sent it down her way, it landed on Valentinah's head and She sustained a cut on her head, that needed suturing. Bless!! Anyhow, my mother had to take her to the hospital which was in another town not far from my village.  Coming back I expected more fighting BUT the girl just looked at my big sister and said; "thank you, if it wasn't for you I wouldn't have gone to town, my mum wouldn't have bought me the nice things she bought me today". I mean, honestly, wasn't she just amazing!! 

On the other hand, I wasn't a fan of fighting, I would probably just use words instead. As a young girl, at 16 years, I gave my life to Christ. I became a Christian at a young age. Back in those days in my country (I am sure many other old Christian can relate with this) there were so many rules and laws; No trousers, No jewellery, no circular music and the list go on. So my baby sister Valentinah had decided to keep an eye on me, from hence forth she decided my name was *Sister Studu* (that's what we called each other in churches/ Scripture Union groups).

How many of you know that when you hear a song playing on the radio over and over, you may end up unconsciously singing along?? Yeah!! I did that and the next thing I heard was Valentinah going' err,, oh my God , sister Studu you are singing a song of the world!!". She was always just there ready to put me back in place. 

She would always go for Crusades and she would be upfront for all the alter calls, I would see ushers carrying her, but if i asked her; "Did you fall under he power of the Holy Spirit?" she would say; "NO, I just saw some ushers standing behind me so I pretended to fall so they catch me and carry me'.. How am I supposed to forget all these things??

I lived  in a different towm, but every time I went to the village for weekend, I would go for Church ,and Scripture Union meetings, she loved coming along. And she would carry a note book. Then I would see her writing, but If I asked her; so did you learn something? I saw you writing?. She would answer;" Oh yes, I carried my book because you SU members really know English, so I carried  my book just to write down new terms, those big words, to improve my English. Ha ha, and I am there thinking she is writing some bible verses. She had the answer for everything.

There was just one message she caught up in all these meetings, she would preach it to me over and over; " Always give the best to God! Give the best sister Studu"! She would say.

 I never announced my fasting but if she ever figured out I was fasting, she would say;" err..Sister Studu, I just hope you are not fasting because you don't like what mum is cooking today, I want to see you fasting when we are cooking your favourite meal." Give the best. But then again  she would use the same message for her own  benefit , she would say; "which of these dresses do you like more? Can I have it".

Not only was she crazy, she was also very caring. She never wanted to see any of her siblings hurt. She was younger and yet she always fought for my big sister and I. If we were ever in trouble with our very strict aunty , she would say, " I want you two( my big sister and I) to keep quite, let me do all the talking, I will answer all the questions". Gosh and she would do, She much to say about this but I will have to share this bit on my next writting.

When we both working, she would visit me, and she would take me out shopping. I didn't mind drinking tap water but she would go fill my kitchen with bottled water. She never wanted to drink tap water. Its very little things like that. I remember when we took her body back home, after all was taken, all that was left in her handbag was a bottle of water.

Back then if you asked anyone in the whole village, direct you to Valentina's mum's house, they would. If you said Studu, they would probably ask; Stu-what??  haha.I could go on, there is just so much funny  memories.  I shared some tears while writing this but I laughed a lot also.

CONTINUE TO REST IN PERFECT PEACE OUR VALENTINAH, UNTILL WE MEET AGAIN

             YOU LIVE FOREVER 

      IN OUR HEARTS LITTLE SISTER